My brother died in a car accident on November 11^th, Remembrance Day, he was 21 years old. In parts of Canada, Remembrance Day is an official holiday dedicated to, ”remembering the men and women who have served, and continue to serve our country during times of war, conflict and peace.”

I feel a kinship with people who experienced the tragedy of losing a loved one in times of war. The agony of  death is especially  difficult when we have no one to come along side of us. To be with us, hold us and do nothing – not fix anything, not fill space with chatter, and not create busyiness. Losing my brother was life shattering,  I’m grateful for the quiet devotion of my siblings and the memory we keep alive by talking about our brother. I wish the same for those who lost loved ones in times of war.

It has taken years of introspection, therapy and mindfulness for me to truly feel the sorrow of my losses. I have discovered thanks to many wise teachers, when we encounter death we need to find our tears, to feel our anguish. If we cover up our pain it hardens our heart, creates defensiveness and numbness. I know, my twenties were filled with grayness, doubt and bitterness. Expressing grief softens our heart, creates compassion and keeps us open.

Today, I’m given the opportunity to teach these lessons to my son, the opportunity to be by his side and to let him have his tears.

My son is named in honor of my brother.