There is a difference between a rare, much-needed venting session with your best friend—which can be cathartic—and a general habit of complaining. And it really is a habit; the more we complain, the easier and more normal it becomes.
This can be dangerous. The way we speak to ourselves and to others has a huge impact on who we are—i.e., we think therefore we speak, and we speak therefore we think … and as Descartes so simply put it, “I think therefore I am.” If we spend too much time expressing what we don’t like, we forget about what we do like—the good things in life. Whatever else I know about happiness, I know for sure that being happy depends upon seeing and celebrating the good things in life.
One way to cut down on complaining is to look beneath the complaint. There, we’ll often find a wish or desire that isn’t getting expressed, and therefore a wish or desire we aren’t working at satisfying.
Here are a few examples of what I mean:
Complaint: “I never have enough time to get done what I need to get done.”
Translation: “I’ve got a busy life and a lot of things I want to work on. What can I do to free up time for the things that matter most to me?”
Complaint: [To significant other] “I don’t even know you anymore!”
Translation: “We need to spend more quality time together to connect again because this relationship means the world to me.”
Complaint: “I feel tired all the time, with no energy.”
Translation: “I want to become healthy again—what are some small changes I can make to my diet or exercise that might help me get on that track?”
Complaint: “This child is driving me crazy!”
Translation: “I’ve got a wild child who can exhaust me—how can I get more support or childcare to carve out more time for myself to regenerate?”
There’s a lot more chance that the “translated” complaints will produce something productive and positive than the complaints left alone.
The odd complaint has its place, but if you think about the people who inspire you most, odds are they’re not whingers and whiners.
Today, look out for complaints and if you catch one, ask it what it’s telling you.
Flickr photo credit: Pissed Off by Nicklas Hellerstedt
I know the way I speak to myself is usually pretty horrible. The things I say about myself, I would never say to another person-they are too hurtful. One of my resolutions is to be nicer to myself. Thanks for reminding me to focus on the complaint side of this topic!
As a High School Teacher I observe the behaviour of teens, and I think a lot of our youth complain as a mode of interaction, it bonds them. “God, I hate this reading” ” I am so…. tired” Next thing you know the conversation takes on a life of its own, and they are talking rather than complaining. The key is to know when the complaints are real and valid. I do remind them to be careful, positive energy is so much healthier than negative energy!!!
Love the new site!!
Yes, being kinder to ourselves is the gold. That kindness then is shared with the world.